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 Posted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 8:23 pm
I'm not supposed to be here. Even as I write that, it's unbearable to think. I am not supposed to be here, be sick with this disease that no one my age should even have. That no one should ever have.
My name is Paige, I am sixteen. I have stomach cancer, a cancer that less than five percent of people below the age of 40 have.
It originally started as a tumor in my stomach a few years ago, sixth grade(I think), Doc thought they cut it all out, but evidently, the parts that they did not, grew back bigger and nastier. Then the cancer metastasized.
I had my first treatment last week, and was told that the pain would heighten over about a ten day period, but I can't imagine pain worse then what I'm having now. It's ridiculous really, because I know that it will get worse with each treatment, or at least, thats what people tell me.
Everything about this is just so damned hard to believe. This whole concept of "the C word" and chemo and dying. I'm sixteen. I probably won't live past 20.
I know thats not a great train of thought, I know I should wish for some miracle or something, but let's face it, it's not too likely. Don't get me wrong, I want a miracle cure, but research, pessimistic and logical thinking, won't let me grapple for some god that put this on me.
And for some reason, I just can't feel anything but this horrible apathy towards anyone who tries to cheer me up, everyone who tries to help me into thinking of any notion of hope.
Maybe that's just the chemo making me soggy.
Well, I was told I should keep track of how i'm feeling. So, if anyone is interested, I am going to start using that gaia journal of mine I guess. I'm giving fair warning, I looked back at one after treatment, and I was fairly disturbed. I can only imagine it will get worse I suppose. That's what they all tell me anyway. So bear with me.
But anyway, I joined because I want to be better, if not in body then in mind. And if anyone has any tips for me, advice, whatnot, please let me know.
Thanks.
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Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2010 1:27 pm
Sweetheart, you are in the worst battle of your short life. It's going to be really tough, and very difficult to keep your chin up and fight. But without your will, your fight, to live, it'll consume you. Get mad at the cancer. Get irate at the cancer within you, and refuse to allow it to get the better of you, just like you would the annoying 7 year old at the park following you around like a puppy, copying your every move. Keep fighting with all you've got +5, even when you feel that you can't. It's going to be rough, and some days you just won't have it in you. Those are the days you ask the people who love you for all the hugs you need.
We don't feel sorry for you, as sympathy isn't what you need, but we sure do empathize with what you're going through, and totally understand the battle you're in. And don't forget the power of prayer. You'll be in my prayers and thoughts, and any day you need someone to yell at, just PM me.
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Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 7:37 pm
Thank you. And that's good. You are right, I don''t need sympathy, any more of that and I think i'll just hit a wall feeling sorry for myself. Thats mostly the reason i came on here, i needed people i could relate to rather than have people who are always telling me their sorry.
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Posted: Sat Mar 13, 2010 12:43 am
Well, we're here and have had that C word used in reference to us, so know your fear. Keep us as updated as you can. If you need a quick response, please feel free to PM me. I'll get a text message to my phone if I'm not actually online at the time, and I get to my computer as soon as I can when I get a PM from my guilds. smile I'm currently laid off and looking for work, so am available all the time.
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